21 X-Rated History Facts They Don’t Teach You in School

1) Lewis And Clark Were Riddled With STDs

lewis and clark had stds

One of the single biggest problems on the Lewis and Clark expedition was that they ran out of mercury after using it to treat rampant STDs (mainly syphilis). In fact, they used so much of it, that some of their campsites (they had more than 600 in the journey) have been positively identified by literally measuring the mercury in the latrines they dug nearby.

Also, that York, Clark’s one slave he brought along on the trip, was SO exotic to many of the native tribes they passed, that many thought he was magical (and FAR more interesting than the two dozen white people around him). Many native women wanted to (and did) have sex with him and several chiefs apparently offered up their daughters to him for the night in hopes that he would impregnate them and leave some of his magic powers behind to bless the tribe. (Additionally, one chieftan thought he was a practical joke the white people were playing on the gullible natives by painting up one of their men. The chief even tried to rub the paint off before believing that was his real skin color.)

2) Cold War Gay Clubs

gay clubs in west berlin

In West Berlin, during the cold war, the East Germans (and the Russians who helped them) opened a number of gay nightclubs and bars, hoping to use them as honey traps to blackmail and embarrass U.S. military personnel who might frequent them. The bars became so popular with the (at the time) underground gay culture in Berlin, that they stopped bothering to use them as honey traps because they could make more money by simply running the places as nightclubs and bars.

3) Pedro The Party Boy

pedro the party boy of brazil

Pedro I of Brazil (a.k.a. Pedro IV in Portugal) was a well-known party boy and womanizer. His fame was so great that, when he got widowed, eight princesses from European royal houses explicitly declined his marriage proposal, making the Brazilian ambassador in Europe look like a fool. Amélie of Leuchtenberg, granddaughter of the King Maxmillian I of Bavaria took one for the team, married him at the tender age of 17 and Pedro remained faithful to her until his death.

4) The “Father of Microbiology”

sperm cells under first microscopeThe first thing the “Father of Microbiology,” Anton van Leeuwenhoek, put under a microscope was semen. They understood that semen was integral to the creation of life but didn’t yet understand the concept of single-cell organisms. He fully expected to see tiny little humans in his jizz.

5) The Family That Sleeps Together…

fmaily that sleeps togetherMost commonfolk throughout much of history had very meager lodgings, and most families would sleep together both for warmth as well as the simple fact that they didn’t have the space for people to sleep separately.

If mom and dad were in the mood to procreate, the rest of the family was just… there.

6) The U.S. Government Produced Porn To Overthrow A Government

us gov tried producing a pornoThe US government tried undermining Sukarno’s rule over Indonesia by hiring a random Hispanic guy (who apparently looked like Sukarno) to do a porno and distributing it to the people of Indonesia. The idea was that this tape would further Sukarno’s image as a lecherous womanizer and cause a negative reaction from the conservative Muslim population. Apparently Sukarno was thrilled and thought it was great (he allegedly bragged about it) and the people of Indonesia simply didn’t care.

7) Isaac Newton and the Blood of Whores

isaac newton preffered the blood of whoresIsaac Newton was obsessed with “the lost art of alchemy.” He also was said to have died a virgin, but had a strange obsession with blood, specifically the menstrual blood of whores, which he thought had magical properties. The walls of his room were painted red for this reason. Little know physics fact.

8) Lost In Translation

naughty indian namesMany of the Native American names you read in history books have been translated into their English equivalent. Many times when they haven’t, it’s because they were very raunchy.

A name like “Buffalo Cum” wasn’t uncommon.

9) Her Mother’s Keeper

mary shelly virginityFrankenstein author Mary Shelley lost her virginity on her mother’s grave.

10) Franklin In The Nude

ben franklin in the nudeBen Franklin was known to take Air-Baths, where he would sit in a room for hours, totally nude. He believed it was good for overall health.

11) Pirate Party

Pirates loved them some anal sex during the golden age of piracy. They would usually take turns being the ahem receptive partner, and it was considered tacky to refuse to be said receptive partner when it was your turn.

12) Bye Bye Baby

baby bonesIn Ancient Rome, babies weren’t considered people until they were older. So if you gave birth to a child you didn’t want, you could dispose of it in the same place where you disposed of all the other unwanted substances that came out of your body, the outhouse/toilet/poop-hole in a field.

No one questioned this unless the child was obviously of a certain age.

Archeologists find a lot of baby skeletons when they discover the toilets/sewers near ruins of Roman brothels.

13) Friedrich Von Fabulous

frederich von stubenFriedrich Von Stuben, who was largely responsible for whipping the continental troops into a proper fighting army, was kicked out of the Prussian army for being gay. Ben Franklin convinced him to come to the US only because he told him in America they wouldn’t give a shit and would only care that he could fight.

When he came over he brought his boyfriend Pierre and greyhounds with him, promptly fell in love with a man named Ben Walker who ended up being hired on as his Aide-de-Camp because he spoke German, and at the end of the war he named the two of them his heirs to keep them in his life. Him being gay was basically the most poorly kept secret in the army, but no one cared because Von Stuben was so good at what he did.

14) King Louis The Impotent

king louis was impotentKing Louis XVI had trouble impregnating Marie Antoinette because he had phimosis. At the time, he was fascinated with locks, so his opponents made jokes about “the locksmith having trouble finding the keyhole”.

15) Julie The Nun Seducer

Julie D'Aubigny nunsJulie D’Aubigny was a famous 17th century French opera singer who once took the holy vows to enter a convent just so she could have sex with a nun.

She also had a habit of seducing women at parties, which would lead their husbands to challenge her to a duel. She was an expert duelist and killed 10 men like this.

16) Prime Meat

angry mob ate the dutch prime ministerA mob killed the Dutch prime minister and his brother in 1672, and cooked and ate their livers right there.

It also may have been instigated by the fucking head of state of Holland at the time, which makes it several magnitudes more fucked up in my book.

17) Blackbeard’s Meds

blackbeard meds for stdsWhen Blackbeard blockaded Charleston Harbor in 1718, he didn’t ask for gold, he demanded medicine.

The salacious part of this request is what type of medicine was requested…you see he requested mercury and injection equipment. Back in the day, mercury injected into the urethra was thought to be a cure for gonorrhea. And after a long stint in the brothels of Barbados, most of the men in his fleet were completely infested!

Thus, Blackbeard the pirate captured Charelston harbor because his man parts were…causing him issues…so to speak.

18) Columbus Was A Major Dick

columbus rapeChristopher Columbus kidnapped a Caribbean woman and gave her to his crew to rape. Michele de Cuneo, who participated in Columbus’s second expedition to the Americas:

While I was in the boat, I captured a very beautiful woman, whom the Lord Admiral [Columbus] gave to me. When I had taken her to my cabin she was naked — as was their custom. I was filled with a desire to take my pleasure with her and attempted to satisfy my desire. She was unwilling, and so treated me with her nails that I wished I had never begun. I then took a piece of rope and whipped her soundly, and she let forth such incredible screams that you would not have believed your ears. Eventually we came to such terms, I assure you, that you would have thought she had been brought up in a school for whores.

19) The “Water Clock”

water clockOne of the first devices to measure time was the “water clock”. It was basically a dish that had a small hole in the bottom and was put in a larger dish of water. When the smaller dish filled with water and sank, it made a satisfying clunk sound. This, of course, meant your time with the prostitute was up.

20) Preserving The Beautiful

When mummifying particularly beautiful women, the Egyptians waited several days for the body to deteriorate to stop the men being tempted to.. well yeah. Herodotus noted it in his histories.

21) The Origins Of The Vibrator

The vibrator was invented for doctors who were getting carpel tunnel from using their fingers to give female patients orgasms in order to treat hysteria

 

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